Goldilocks and Divorce Part 1 – Which Porridge (Process) Is “Just Right”?
Goldilocks and Divorce Part 2 – Which Chair (Professional) Is “Just Right”?
Goldilocks and Divorce Part 3 – Where You Hope to Land
It’s not easy to get anything just right—especially separation or divorce.
Like Goldilocks, you may experience some trial and error as you figure out what fits for you, your soon-to-be ex, and, if you have children, your family. But unlike Goldilocks, you’ll have the advantage of knowing your options before you start sampling.
Goldilocks tasted Papa, Mama and Baby bear’s bowls of porridge before finding the one with the ‘just right’ temperature. She broke a chair in the process of finding one that fit. And, she tossed and turned through all three bear beds before finally settling into the one that best suited her.
Fortunately, your separation or divorce doesn’t have to involve quite so much hit or miss by reading these articles and/or looking into the other resource I will point out.
Think of the bears’ cabin as the world of separation and divorce. When Goldilocks walked through the door, she didn’t know what she would find. You may feel much the same way right now. Divorce has its own unfamiliar language, professionals, processes, and decisions—and most people don’t know much about any of them until they suddenly need to.
The stereotypical image of separation/divorce is litigation: each spouse hires an attorney to represent their interests, with disagreements ultimately resolved through the court when the parties cannot reach agreement. But litigation is not the only way to legally separate or divorce.
In three connected articles, we’ll explore what Goldilocks found inside the bears’ cabin and how that applies to you:
🥣 The Porridge: How will we separate/divorce?
We’ll look at three divorce processes: Mediation, Co-Mediation, and Collaborative Divorce.
🪑 The Chairs: Who can help us?
We’ll consider three divorce professionals who can bring different kinds of expertise to the process: a Divorce Coach, Child Specialist, and Divorce Financial Specialist.
🛏️ The Beds: Where are you hoping to land?
Finally, we’ll step back from process and professionals to reflect on your larger purpose: What do you want to be better going forward? What guiding lights will shine on your decisions during this process and its changes? You may land in a place that is not ideal but is comfortable enough. What do you want to be proud even if things are not ideal?
The goal is to understand your options well enough to find what may be ‘just right’ for your particular family.
Let’s start at the kitchen table, like Goldilocks, and look at porridge as the separation/divorce process.
🥣 The Porridge: How will we separate/divorce? What process will we use?
🥣 Mediation
Mediation typically involves one neutral professional who guides you and your spouse or partner through the decisions and steps needed to reach agreements about your separation or divorce.
Compared with litigation, mediation is designed to be less adversarial and can often be less expensive as well as move more quickly because you are not relying on the court’s availability. You and your spouse or partner remain the decision-makers, with the mediator helping you identify issues, consider options, negotiate agreements, and complete the process.
Something to consider: One neutral mediator cannot advocate for either of you individually. If one person has difficulty negotiating for themselves, there is a significant imbalance between you, or emotions such as anger, grief, fear, or confusion regularly interfere with decision-making, you may need additional professional support.
Mediation can be used by both married and unmarried couples.
🥣 Co-Mediation
Co-Mediation adds a second neutral professional, allowing different areas of expertise to be brought to the table while you and your spouse or partner continue to make decisions together.
For example, an attorney-mediator may work alongside a family/divorce mental health professional who helps you develop a parenting plan informed by your children’s needs and development. Or a divorce financial professional may help gather and organize financial information, explain assets and debts, explore different financial scenarios, and develop budgets for life in two households.
The advantage is that you don’t expect one professional to be an expert in every aspect of divorce. And, often the cost is less by employing the right professional with the right part of the process.
Co-Mediation can also be used by married and unmarried couples.
🥣 Collaborative Divorce
Collaborative Divorce provides a more comprehensive team around the couple and family. Rather than one or two neutral professionals, each person has their own attorney to provide legal education, support, and assistance developing and evaluating options.
Each person also works with a Divorce Coach, who prepare each for meetings, strengthens communication and negotiation skills, manages difficult emotions that may interfere with the process, and keeps individual values and hopes in view. When there are children, the mental health professionals works with parents to develop a thoughtful parenting plan.
A neutral divorce financial professional works with both people to organize the financial information and disclosures needed for divorce, provide financial education, explore different scenarios for dividing assets and debts, and help develop realistic budgets for the future. The neutral divorce financial not only looks back but, also, forward which improves each person’s sense of preparedness for their financial life after the separation/divorce.
Collaborative Divorce offers more professional support than mediation or co-mediation, which can be particularly helpful when the divorce involves greater emotional, parenting, financial, or communication complexity.
If you are not married, depending on the complexity of finances, custody and co-parenting you expect while untangling, the Collaborative Process may also be suited for your situation.
So which bowl is just right?
There isn’t one porridge or process that is best for every family. You may need the relative simplicity of mediation, the additional expertise available through co-mediation, or the broader support of a Collaborative Divorce team. The ‘just right’ bowl is the process that provides the level and type of support that fits the two of you and/or your children.
If you are interested in exploring each bowl of porridge in more depth, there is a free webinar available at www.divorceoptionsinfo.org that provides a thorough presentation of the pros and cons of each path through separation/divorce.
Choosing how you will divorce is an important first step—but Goldilocks is just beginning her tour of the bear cabin. Next, we’ll follow Goldilocks to the living room and explore the chairs she tries out which represent the professionals who can assist in the separation/divorce. Then we will head upstairs to the bears’ bedroom and consider the three “beds”: three reflections on where you hope to land.
Goldilocks and Divorce Part 1 – Which Porridge (Process) Is “Just Right”?
Goldilocks and Divorce Part 2 – Which Chair (Professional) Is “Just Right”?
Goldilocks and Divorce Part 3 – Where You Hope to Land
The images used in this series of blog posts were purchased and are licensed.
