As the calendar turns to a new year, we find ourselves filled with a renewed sense of hope and new possibilities. The transition into a fresh year offers a chance to “put things behind us and start anew.” January sees a noticeable uptick in divorce filings, which makes it an ideal month to focus on children caught in the midst of divorce. So, January is the International Child-Centered Divorce Awareness Month — a month dedicated to raising awareness about the impact of divorce on children, promoting child-focused approaches for families in transition, and prioritizing children’s well-being during and after divorce.
It’s crucial to remember that divorce is not just a legal process. It’s an emotional upheaval for everyone involved, especially children. The separation of their parents can feel like the collapse of their world, and they struggle to understand the changes happening around them. Wallerstein and Blakeslee wrote, “ Divorce is deceptive. Legally, it is a single event, but psychologically, it is a chain – sometimes a never-ending chain – of events, relocations, and radically shifting relationships strung through time, a process that forever changes the lives of the people involved.”
How does divorce affect children? It depends.
Research indicates the number one predictor of children’s emotional and psychological maladjustment during and after divorce is the level of conflict between their parents. When parents cannot model an amicable relationship with each other, are angry with each other, and engaged in the “battle” of divorce, their children are caught in the middle, drawn into taking sides, act out their confusion, pain, and anger, beg their parents to stop fighting or suffer in silence. Children do not have the developmental maturity to cope with such adult situations effectively and lack the tools and skills to process the overwhelming emotions that arise in a “win-lose” divorce.
Research also found that divorce is the second highest stressor for adults, second only to the death of a loved one. Divorcing parents find it challenging and sometimes impossible to be their highest and best selves for their well-being and the needs and well-being of their children.
How do parents become their highest, best selves during such stressful times?
As a mental health professional whose practice has included children for decades, I have educated parents about a child-centered, out-of-court, non-adversarial divorce process called Collaborative Divorce. During Collaborative Divorce, parents work with the Neutral Family Specialist, and they learn:
- How to work together, not fight against each other
- How to keep their children in the center, not in the middle of their divorce
- How to help their children to feel safe and secure
- The importance of their children being able to love both parents
- Co-parenting skills like effective communication tools that avoid the common mistakes that can scar their minor and adult children.
How can parents help their children during this family upheaval?
Dr. Haim Ginott, an acclaimed child psychologist, wrote, “Children are like wet cement. Everything that falls on them leaves an impression.”
Divorcing parents are likely unaware that in 1989, world leaders made a historic commitment to the children of the world when they adopted the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child – an international agreement about childhood. By the end of 2015, 196 countries had ratified the Convention. Of significance for divorcing parents is the below article from the Convention, which states:
Article 12:
1. Parties shall assure to the child who is capable of forming his or her own views the right to express those views freely in all matters affecting the child, the views of the child being given due weight in accordance with the age and maturity of the child.
2. For this purpose, the child shall in particular be provided the opportunity to be heard in any judicial and administrative proceedings affecting the child, either directly, or through a representative or an appropriate body, in a manner consistent with the procedural rules of national law.
Yet, the voices of most children of divorcing parents are unheard. For decades, research about children and divorce has found that children report the news of their parents’ impending divorce and how their parents’ divorce made a lasting impression on them, even into their adulthood. Most parents want to prevent emotional and psychological damage to their children during and after divorce but often do not know how to do so.
The role of the Neutral Family Specialist on the Collaborative Divorce team also includes meeting with the children, providing them a neutral, safe place to ask questions and process their feelings about the divorce, and being their voice in meetings.
Research indicates that when children have a voice in their parents’ divorce process and can talk with a neutral professional who listens to them and educates them about this difficult family transition, they are experiencing, the children are better adjusted, the parents are better adjusted, and the parents’ agreements are more durable. Collaborative Divorce is a win-win for parents and, most importantly, for their children.
With its new beginnings and self-reflection themes, January is a fitting time to focus on building healthier, more child-centered family dynamics. Through education and empathy, we can ensure that the well-being of children remains at the heart of every decision.
References
Second Chances: Men, Women & Children A Decade After Divorce: Who Wins, Who Loses- And Why, by Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee
