A Collaborative Divorce provides a unique opportunity to leverage each team member and the whole to move your divorce forward in a way that builds instead of depletes your co-parent relationship, protects the kids and generates agreements through understanding and analyzing information before creating options.
The Collaborative Divorce includes attorneys and coaches for each person and one neutral financial divorce expert per couple. The process creates a road map that meets your particular needs as a divorcing couple and has a clear structure for decision making:
- One on one meetings (you and one professional)
- Pod meetings (you, your attorney and coach)
- Financial meetings (you, your spouse and the financial)
- Full Team Meetings (all professionals, you, your spouse)
How do you make the most of this process? What pitfalls are there to avoid?
3 Do’s in Your Collaborative Divorce:
- Do work with your coach to improve your own communication skills and process your fears and worries along the way. Your coach can help keep you emotionally regulated during the divorce, so you are both bringing your best self and bringing frontal cortex to decision making instead of your amygdala. In other words, you want your critical thinking and judgement portion of your brain leading the show instead of the fight, flight, freeze center. You will also develop a communication structure to manage disagreements.
- Use the right professional for the right task at the right time. Your attorney will have the best knowledge of the parameters of California law. Your financial will have all your financial information and can model different scenarios for you. Your coach is there to process the emotional over- and undertones and provide tools to communicate effectively and listen effectively.
- Focus on the future, but don’t ignore the past. If your mindset is too focused on the past, it is likely to prevent flexible thinking and end up in rigidity. Focusing on the future allows new outcomes to arise. If you ignore the past to reach agreement, like ignoring red flags to get an agreement that is not fairly fair, you are likely to regret it.
3 Don’ts in Your Collaborative Divorce:
- Don’t procrastinate on providing your financial information. Many people truly dread the financial disclosures mandated for any divorce in California. Instead, communicate your dread to your coach and use your coach to move through the financial disclosures.
- Act out conflict in front of your kids – even angry texts and emails. Your coaches are ready and able to help you and your spouse ameliorate the tension, arguments, angry texts and emails, the cold silence that can fill the room. Instead, practice communication tools that set you up to be heard.
- Don’t go it alone! Are you confused about the financial report? Check in with your financial. Are you falling into conflict language outside of meetings (blame, criticisms, accusations)? Have your coach tap in to move beyond this type of language. Do you fear your soon-to-be-ex is withholding information or providing misinformation? Talk to your attorney and coach about these fears and next steps to address them.
While a Collaborative Divorce is a less stressful alternative to a litigated divorce and offers more comprehensive support than mediation, it is still a challenging and emotional process as your entire family and finances require reorganization. These Do’s and Don’ts can enhance your experience significantly, while also providing strategies for effectively managing costs throughout the journey.
This clinician has written about other tips and tricks to improve your communication during the divorce process and throughout your co-parenting. They are available in the blog section of her web site.
