Choosing the Process That Best Fits Your Family
The First Decision May Not Be the One You Think
Most people don’t expect to become experts on divorce. They certainly don’t expect to be researching legal processes, parenting plans, retirement division, or support calculations. Yet there comes a point for many couples when they recognize that, despite years of effort, counseling, compromise, or simply growing in different directions, the marriage is no longer working.
Questions begin appearing almost immediately. Where will each of us live? How will we tell the children? Can either of us afford to keep the house? What happens to retirement? How long will this take? How much will it cost? Who should I call first?
What will happen to me?
For many people, the first instinct is to find an attorney. That makes perfect sense. Divorce is, after all, a legal process. We’ve watched movies and TV dramas with courtroom divorces. I can’t think of one that showed a different process, and I have watched probably an unhealthy number of movies through the years.
However, as someone who has both personally experienced divorce and who now helps families navigate it every day, I have come to recognize there is another question worth asking before deciding who should represent you.
How do we want to move through our divorce?
It is a deceptively simple question, but one that has profound implications for everything that follows. Most people spend weeks deciding who should represent them. Far fewer spend even five minutes deciding which process is most likely to serve their family.
The professionals you choose are important. The financial decisions are important. The parenting plan is important. The legal documents are important. But before any of those decisions are made, there is another decision quietly waiting beneath them all. What process is most likely to help your family move through this transition in a way that reflects your circumstances, your priorities, your values, and the future you hope to build?
Notice I intentionally used the word your.
That isn’t to say that both of you will have identical priorities, that rarely happens. You may be primarily concerned with the children while your spouse may be focused on financial security after years away from the workforce. Your spouse may value privacy above almost everything else but you simply want the divorce completed as quickly as possible so you can begin rebuilding your life.
None of those priorities are wrong. They simply reflect different people facing different circumstances.
It is key to understand that there is no single “best” way to get divorced. If that were true, we would only have one process. Instead, our legal system has developed several different approaches because families themselves are remarkably different. Some couples continue communicating respectfully despite deciding to end their marriage, others cannot. Some have accumulated significant wealth, own businesses together, or have complicated compensation packages. Others are trying to determine how to stretch the same income that once supported one household into supporting two. Some spouses trust one another enough to voluntarily exchange financial information, and others discover their spouse would rather wait until an attorney has been paid handsomely to compel them to provide documents, rather than save money and time and goodwill.
Rather than asking which divorce process is best, the more useful question is which process is most likely to help your family achieve the outcome you hope to have, not only when you’ve signed an agreement or a judge has provided orders, but years after the divorce is over?
Because, after the divorce is over, life continues. Divorce ends a marriage, but it rarely ends a family.
Long after legal documents have been signed, parents continue attending school performances, graduations, weddings, birthday parties, and eventually, for many families, celebrations involving grandchildren. Even couples without children often remain connected through extended family, mutual friends, business interests, or simply decades of shared history.
The legal relationship changes, and with any luck (and careful planning), the human relationship evolves.
The process you choose will influence that relationship long after the legal case has concluded.
Understanding the Different Paths Through Divorce
One of the reasons people feel overwhelmed when they first begin researching divorce is that they quickly discover there isn’t just one process. Friends offer advice based on their own experiences. Attorneys naturally describe the services they provide. Online searches produce countless opinions, many of them contradictory.
The reality is much simpler.
Every divorce process exists because it was designed to solve a particular set of problems. Each has strengths. Each has limitations. None should be viewed as universally better than another.
The question is not, “Which process is best?”
The question is, “Which process is most likely to serve our family well?”
Do-It-Yourself Divorce
Some divorces are relatively straightforward.
Perhaps the marriage was brief. There are no children. The assets are modest, the debts are understood, and both spouses agree on how property should be divided. They communicate respectfully and are comfortable completing paperwork together.
For families like these, completing much of the divorce themselves may be entirely appropriate.
That does not necessarily mean they never seek professional advice. In fact, many couples benefit from consulting an attorney or financial professional for a limited scope review before finalizing agreements. Sometimes a single meeting helps identify issues they simply hadn’t considered.
One of the challenges with a do-it-yourself approach is not usually disagreement, it’s incomplete awareness. People cannot ask questions they don’t yet know to ask. That doesn’t mean that a DIY divorce is unwise. It simply means the simpler the finances and family circumstances, the more realistic it becomes.
Mediation
Mediation introduces another valuable option, and it may be the second-best-known option.
Spouses work together with a neutral mediator whose role is to facilitate productive conversations and assist the couple in reaching mutually acceptable agreements.
Mediation preserves decision-making within the family. The mediator does not decide who is right or tell you what you should do. Instead, they help spouses communicate more effectively, identify interests, explore options, and move toward agreement.
For many families, that is exactly the kind of assistance they need. It is structured conversation with some guardrails.
Some mediation’s involve only the mediator, while others include consulting attorneys, financial professionals, child specialists, or additional experts as needed such as real estate or lending professionals and business valuators. This larger team of professionals assisting in a neutral capacity may be referred to as a “co-mediation.” The flexibility of mediation is one of its strengths.
Like every consensual dispute resolution process, however, mediation assumes a willingness to participate honestly and engage in meaningful negotiation. If one spouse refuses to provide information or has no intention of negotiating in good faith, mediation may become difficult or impossible.
Arbitration
Arbitration occupies an interesting place within divorce.
Many people are unfamiliar with it, yet it can provide meaningful advantages in the right circumstances.
Rather than asking a judge assigned through the public court system to decide disputed issues, the spouses jointly select a private decision-maker, often an experienced family law attorney or retired judge, who hears evidence and makes binding decisions. In many ways, arbitration resembles a private courtroom. It often offers greater scheduling flexibility, increased privacy, and the opportunity to work with someone selected by the parties rather than assigned by the court.
Unlike mediation, however, the decision ultimately belongs to the arbitrator.
For families who cannot reach agreement but wish to remain outside the traditional court system, arbitration may provide an excellent alternative.
Litigation
No discussion of divorce processes would be complete without acknowledging the important role litigation plays.
Litigation sometimes receives criticism because of its cost, complexity, and adversarial nature. While those concerns may be valid in certain cases, they should never obscure an equally important truth. Litigation exists because some families genuinely need it. Courts provide something no other process can.
Authority.
Judges have the authority to compel disclosure, issue restraining orders, enforce deadlines, and resolve disputes when agreement is impossible. If there has been domestic violence, coercive control, hidden assets, refusal to participate, or urgent circumstances requiring immediate intervention, litigation may be the only option available.
However, you are now asking a stranger to make decisions that will have a profound and lasting effect on you, your family, and your finances. Even with excellent advocacy, litigation necessarily places important decisions in the hands of someone who has only a limited window into your family’s life. You lose control of the time spent, of the money spent, and of the outcome.
Collaborative Divorce
Among these various approaches is one that many people have heard little about, despite it having existed for more than three decades.
Collaborative Practice is an interdisciplinary, voluntary, consensual dispute resolution process designed for families who wish to resolve their divorce outside of court while working with a team of professionals specifically trained in Collaborative principles.
Unlike mediation, where one neutral professional often facilitates discussions, Collaborative assembles a team whose members each contribute specialized expertise while working toward the same goal: helping the family reach agreements they both understand and willingly support.
Understanding Collaborative Divorce
If you’ve never heard of Collaborative Divorce before, you’re certainly not alone. Many assume Collaborative means something about working together, like mediation.
Collaborative is an entirely different philosophy for approaching divorce.
At its heart, Collaborative begins with a simple premise.
The family is usually in the best position to make decisions about its own future.
That may seem obvious, but it represents a significant shift in perspective. Rather than preparing to persuade a judge what should happen, the spouses commit to working together, with the support of trained professionals, to create agreements they both understand and voluntarily accept.
Notice what Collaborative does not require. It does not require that you agree. It does not require that you remain friends. It does not require that there is no conflict.
Those are some of the most common misconceptions about the process. It is not just for couples looking to “consciously uncouple.”
I’ve participated in Collaborative cases where spouses arrived frustrated, hurt, exhausted, and uncertain whether meaningful conversation was even possible. Tears are not uncommon. Difficult conversations still occur. There are moments when people need a break, moments when they need time to reflect, and moments when progress feels frustratingly slow.
Collaborative does not eliminate those realities; it simply provides a different environment in which to work through them. The distinction is important.
Collaborative depends upon each spouse being willing to participate honestly, voluntarily exchange information, and remain committed to finding solutions even when those solutions are difficult. That doesn’t mean either spouse gives up legal rights, and it doesn’t mean anyone is expected to simply be nice and agree to everything their spouse proposes.
It means the professionals involved are working with the family for the unified goal of finding resolutions to the issues in a manner that benefits the family.
That subtle difference changes the entire experience.
One of the things I appreciate most about Collaborative is that it recognizes something most of us already understand in nearly every other aspect of life.
No one professional is an expert at everything.
If you were building a home, you wouldn’t expect your architect to pour the foundation, install the electrical system, perform the plumbing, and design the landscaping. Each professional contributes specialized knowledge toward a common objective.
Divorce asks families to solve legal, financial, emotional, and parenting questions, often all at the same time.
Rather than asking one professional to carry all of those responsibilities, Collaborative assembles a team whose expertise complements one another.
That team exists for one reason.
To help the family understand the breadth of choices available as they build their future.
The Professionals Around the Table
One of the first things people notice about Collaborative Practice is that there may be several professionals participating.
Their immediate reaction is often understandable. “Doesn’t that make it more expensive?”
My experience has been that when the right professionals are spending their time doing the work they are uniquely qualified to perform, there is efficiency.
Going back to our house analogy, imagine hiring a contractor to remodel your kitchen. If you ask the plumber to perform electrical work because it appears less expensive than bringing in an electrician, the project probably doesn’t become less expensive in the long run. It simply becomes less efficient.
Collaborative applies similar thinking. Each professional contributes specialized expertise while allowing the others to remain focused on what they do best.
The Collaborative Attorneys provide personalized legal advice to their respective clients and ensure agreements comply with applicable law. They will draft the agreements and file everything the court needs to finalize the divorce.
The Financial Neutral (my role in Collaborative cases) helps both spouses understand the financial implications of the decisions they are considering. That involves gathering financial information, organizing financial disclosures, projecting cash flow, analyzing tax consequences, evaluating retirement assets, discussing home affordability, or helping the family understand the financial tradeoffs associated with different proposals. My role is not to tell the couple what they should do; it is to help them understand the financial consequences of each available option (and there are many creative solutions available through the consensual resolution processes) so they can make informed decisions together, while understanding their unique needs as individuals.
The Divorce Coaches often surprise people. Many assume they are there because someone needs counseling, but that isn’t their role. Their expertise lies in helping people communicate more effectively, manage conflict productively, and navigate one of life’s most emotionally demanding transitions. They frequently help spouses prepare for difficult conversations before they occur and can identify and encourage subtle changes to communication patterns that have become unproductive. Coaches help maintain focus on the decisions still needing to be made, not the rearview mirror where the hurt and blame overwhelm.
One of the most remarkable things I’ve observed over the years is that most people don’t actually need someone to tell them they were right. They need to know someone genuinely listened. Those are very different experiences. And once people feel heard, they often become much more capable of solving the problems still in front of them.
For families with children, a child specialist may also become part of the Collaborative team. Their role is not to decide custody. Their role is to help parents better understand the developmental needs of their children and ensure those perspectives remain part of the conversation as parenting decisions are being made.
Every professional remains focused on the same objective.
Helping the family build the future they are seeking.
The Family Should Choose the Process—Not the Other Way Around
Imagine visiting a physician because you’re not feeling well. The physician doesn’t begin by announcing that surgery is the answer, they ask questions. They learn about your symptoms, your family history, and they’ll lightly bonk your joints with a tiny rubber hammer and check some orifice. Only then do they recommend treatment.
Divorce deserves the same deliberate approach.
Too often, people become committed to a particular process because someone they trust recommended it or because they assume it is the default. Yet the process itself should emerge from the family’s circumstances, not the other way around.
Is Collaborative the Right Fit for Your Family?
By now, you may have found yourself reacting to different parts of this article.
Perhaps you’ve read about litigation and thought, “That sounds like exactly what we need.” Perhaps mediation feels like the right balance. Or perhaps something about Collaborative has resonated with you. If so, it probably isn’t because of the process itself.
It’s because you recognized something about your family.
Every divorce process has an important role. Everyone exists because there are families whose circumstances call for that particular approach. Collaborative Practice is one of those paths. It isn’t the right path for every family, and it was never intended to be.
It was designed for families who believe that, although they cannot change the past, they still have meaningful influence over the future.
Families who believe that taking the time to understand usually leads to better decisions than rushing toward conclusions.
That understanding often produces better outcomes than assumptions.
That privacy has value.
That respectful communication is worth preserving whenever possible.
And that while a marriage may be ending, the family often continues in a different form.
Questions Worth Asking Yourself
As you’ve read this article, perhaps you’ve found yourself quietly answering questions in your own mind.
If not, I encourage you to spend a few moments reflecting on the following.
- What kind of relationship do I hope we have after this process is over?
- Am I looking primarily for protection, guidance, or facilitation?
- How important is privacy to me?
- Am I comfortable allowing someone else to make decisions for my family if we cannot?
- Will we likely remain connected through children, business interests, or extended family?
- Are both of us willing to exchange financial information honestly?
- Can we participate in a structured conversation, even if it is difficult?
- Is our greatest challenge conflict itself, or our ability to manage conflict productively?
There are no right answers, only honest ones.
Those answers may help identify which process is most likely to serve your family well.
Looking Forward
If you’ve read this far, I hope one thing has become clear.
There isn’t one right way to divorce.
There never could be.
Families are simply too different.
Every marriage has its own story. Every family has its own dynamics. Every couple brings different strengths, different challenges, different priorities, and different hopes for what life might look like after the divorce is over. It would be unreasonable to expect that every one of those families should follow the same path.
That is precisely why we have different divorce processes.
Some families need the authority and protections that only the court can provide. Others benefit from the guidance of mediation. Some discover that Collaborative offers the combination of professional support, privacy, and future-focused problem solving they have been looking for. Others find that arbitration provides the structure that best meets their needs. None of those choices should be viewed as a success or a failure. They are simply different paths designed for different circumstances.
I’ve come to believe that one of the greatest gifts people can give themselves during that time is understanding.
Understanding their options.
Understanding the consequences of different decisions.
Understanding that they don’t have to choose a process simply because someone else chose it.
And understanding that asking for help is not a sign of failure. It’s often one of the wisest decisions they can make.
The process you choose today will become one chapter in that family’s story. Not the whole story. Just one chapter.
If you’re reading this while contemplating divorce, I would simply leave you with this.
You don’t have to have every answer today. You don’t have to know exactly what the next five years will look like. You simply have to take the next intentional step.
Sometimes that step is speaking with a consulting or litigating attorney.
Sometimes it’s meeting with a mediator.
Sometimes it’s learning more about Collaborative Divorce.
Sometimes it’s simply having an honest conversation with someone you trust.
You are also invited you to attend a free class to learn more about all of your process choices by visiting this website: Divorce Options Info – How a Divorce Options® Workshop Can Help You
Whatever that next step is for you, I hope you take it with confidence, with curiosity, and with compassion; for yourself, for your family, and even, when possible, for one another.
And choose the path that best reflects your family’s circumstances, your values, and the future you hope to build. Because when the legal process is over, life won’t begin again, it will simply continue.
And the decisions you make today will become one chapter in a story that is still being written.
My hope is that, years from now, when you look back on this chapter, you won’t remember only how your divorce ended. You’ll remember that you chose a process that gave your family the opportunity to evolve into something new.
