• What is Collaborative Divorce?
    ▼
    • What is Collaborative Divorce?
    • Why Use Collaborative Divorce?
    • About Collaborative Divorce California
    • For Collaborative Professionals
  • Divorce Options® Workshops
    ▼
    • About Divorce Options® Workshops
    • Find a Divorce Options® Workshop
  • Testimonials
  • FAQs
  • Blog
  • Find a Professional
    ▼
    • All Professionals
    • Attorneys
    • Financial Professionals
    • Mental Health Professionals
    • Practice Groups
    • For Collaborative Professionals
  • Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer

Select State

  • Alabama
  • Alaska
  • Arizona
  • Arkansas
  • California
  • Colorado
  • Connecticut
  • Delaware
  • Florida
  • Georgia
  • Hawaii
  • Idaho
  • Illinois
  • Indiana
  • Iowa
  • Kansas
  • Kentucky
  • Louisiana
  • Maine
  • Maryland
  • Massachusetts
  • Michigan
  • Minnesota
  • Mississippi
  • Missouri
  • Montana
  • Nebraska
  • Nevada
  • New Hampshire
  • New Jersey
  • New Mexico
  • New York
  • North Carolina
  • North Dakota
  • Ohio
  • Oklahoma
  • Oregon
  • Pennsylvania
  • Rhode Island
  • South Carolina
  • South Dakota
  • Tennessee
  • Texas
  • Utah
  • Vermont
  • Virginia
  • Washington
  • West Virginia
  • Wisconsin
  • Wyoming

Collaborative Divorce California

Options for Divorce in California

Collaborative Near Me

  • What is Collaborative Divorce?
    • What is Collaborative Divorce?
    • Why Use Collaborative Divorce?
    • About Collaborative Divorce California
    • For Collaborative Professionals
  • Divorce Options® Workshops
    • About Divorce Options® Workshops
    • Find a Divorce Options® Workshop
  • Testimonials
  • FAQs
  • Blog
  • Find a Professional
    • All Professionals
    • Attorneys
    • Financial Professionals
    • Mental Health Professionals
    • Practice Groups
    • For Collaborative Professionals

How Do I Tell My Partner I Want a Divorce?

May 27, 2020 By Cyndy Furze, Ph.D.

complementing divorce

How you first discuss the issue can set the stage for how the divorce will proceed.

Be clear about your goals and what discussion you want to have.  Is it:

  • I am feeling that things are so bad;
  • we need to talk about a divorce if we can’t fix it. (possible outcomes include therapy, change, continued conflict, divorce).
  • I want to talk about a divorce (put the possibility on the table, how do they feel?)
  • I have decided after a long, thoughtful process that I want us to divorce.
Timing:
  • Have the discussion when there are no major events (wedding of child, surgery, children’s recital in 2 hours, etc.).
  • Schedule a time of day when both of you are clear-headed (no alcohol, etc.)
  • Schedule so you both will have time to reflect after the discussion  (not have to run to work or pick up the children)
Setting:
  • Be sure that you are away from the children if you have them.
  • Pets are to be considered.  Will the discussion stress them out, or will they be a steadying influence for either of you?
  • Have the setting be neutral and safe, especially if there is a concern about emotional or physical violence.  If needed, have a back-up plan to be sure you are safe and have a support person available.
State your purpose and leave room for them to respond.
  • Let them know you have thought long and hard about this, especially if the d-word has been impulsively tossed out between you during emotional conflict.
  • Let them know your goals of proceeding with fairness, honesty, integrity, and focused on the best interests of the children, yourselves, and the extended family.
  • Perhaps have a brochure or handout or invite them to a seminar about options.
  • Assume they may be shocked, need time.
  • Try to listen and reflect their feelings back, if possible.  Surprise, anger, sadness, vulnerability—whatever the emotions, be open.
  • Try to keep the discussion focused on moving forward, versus rehashing the past.
  • Even if you are anxious and dreading the talk, try to have room for compassion.
Point of closure.
  • Restate your goals of fairness, honesty, integrity, and being focused on the best way to take care of the children, yourselves, and extended family in the process.
  • It is fine for you to share your own sadness but be careful not to give false hope.  Your desire to soften the impact can work against being clear about your decision.
  • When you need to, say something like “I’d like to take a break now.  We will have time and many chances to talk more later.”

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: Divorce, How To Tell, Spouse

About Cyndy Furze, Ph.D.

Cyndy Furze, Ph.D. helps clients to develop skills to manage the challenges, turmoil, and uncertainty divorce can bring, offering strength and support for for making decisions in the best interest of their children, their extended family, and their future.

What our clients are saying…

Anonymous Client

The trouble with the collaborative process is that nobody has heard of it.  All through my divorce, my friends kept telling me I needed to hire a stronger attorney, one who would fight for me and win.  Well… in the end, I do feel I won, big time.  I not only got a great settlement in terms of the money, I’m also sure we got the best results possible for our kids.  We’re never going to be that divorced couple who celebrate Christmas together.  But the kids know that we can and will come to their weddings and be good with each other, which might not have happened if we’d stayed married, and certainly wouldn’t have happened if we’d made the divorce into a war.  To me, that’s priceless.

View Our Testimonials

Primary Sidebar

divorce Options Workshops

Divorce Options®

Workshops

Find a class
in your area

Meet Our Professionals

Kerry Wallis

Have you read?

What Are the Requirements For A Divorce in California?

Divorce in California

A divorce generally begins in California when one party files a divorce petition in the court.  … [Read More...]

Categories

  • Blog
    • Collaborative Divorce
    • Divorce Options®
    • Mediation
  • Popups

Footer

Collaborative Divorce California

Find a Professional Near You

Admin Offices

2872 Ygnacio Valley Road
#401
Walnut Creek, CA 94598
(925) 338-9550

  • Facebook
  • LinkedIn
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

For Collaborative Professionals

A Service of CPCal

Copyright © 2023 Collaborative Divorce California · All Rights Reserved

· · ·

Website Design by The Crouch Group

Log in