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How Do I Tell My Partner I Want a Divorce?

May 27, 2020 By Cyndy Furze, Ph.D.

complementing divorce

How you first discuss the issue can set the stage for how the divorce will proceed.

Be clear about your goals and what discussion you want to have.  Is it:

  • I am feeling that things are so bad;
  • we need to talk about a divorce if we can’t fix it. (possible outcomes include therapy, change, continued conflict, divorce).
  • I want to talk about a divorce (put the possibility on the table, how do they feel?)
  • I have decided after a long, thoughtful process that I want us to divorce.
Timing:
  • Have the discussion when there are no major events (wedding of child, surgery, children’s recital in 2 hours, etc.).
  • Schedule a time of day when both of you are clear-headed (no alcohol, etc.)
  • Schedule so you both will have time to reflect after the discussion  (not have to run to work or pick up the children)
Setting:
  • Be sure that you are away from the children if you have them.
  • Pets are to be considered.  Will the discussion stress them out, or will they be a steadying influence for either of you?
  • Have the setting be neutral and safe, especially if there is a concern about emotional or physical violence.  If needed, have a back-up plan to be sure you are safe and have a support person available.
State your purpose and leave room for them to respond.
  • Let them know you have thought long and hard about this, especially if the d-word has been impulsively tossed out between you during emotional conflict.
  • Let them know your goals of proceeding with fairness, honesty, integrity, and focused on the best interests of the children, yourselves, and the extended family.
  • Perhaps have a brochure or handout or invite them to a seminar about options.
  • Assume they may be shocked, need time.
  • Try to listen and reflect their feelings back, if possible.  Surprise, anger, sadness, vulnerability—whatever the emotions, be open.
  • Try to keep the discussion focused on moving forward, versus rehashing the past.
  • Even if you are anxious and dreading the talk, try to have room for compassion.
Point of closure.
  • Restate your goals of fairness, honesty, integrity, and being focused on the best way to take care of the children, yourselves, and extended family in the process.
  • It is fine for you to share your own sadness but be careful not to give false hope.  Your desire to soften the impact can work against being clear about your decision.
  • When you need to, say something like “I’d like to take a break now.  We will have time and many chances to talk more later.”

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: Divorce, How To Tell

About Cyndy Furze, Ph.D.

Cyndy Furze, Ph.D. helps clients to develop skills to manage the challenges, turmoil, and uncertainty divorce can bring, offering strength and support for for making decisions in the best interest of their children, their extended family, and their future.

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